| 3 am del taco, stupid diet........ |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|03:13 am] |
this road is a lonely one
a path we see out of reach..
dont take this from my hand
just remember your not alone
today i woke up on the right side of bed
next to the imprint of you |
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| well |
[Jan. 18th, 2007|01:38 am] |
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im putting the footage together and there she is...........as i took that walk i thought about that morning, he's right, this isnt real, we arnt guarenteed anything, and no nothing for sure, i sat at that bench for some time looking across at the empty one, who would of thought one year ago id be at this seat now....empty....alone....i...... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|03:13 pm] |
tititata:from my friend jimmy ...
ITs hard for me to understand that when someone has exited out of your life, they might be gone forever. Their souls are lifted to another place far beyond what we can see or feel. Their face now becomes the constant replay in our minds, bringing us to fall at times, with the confusion they have disappeared. My confusion never heals and some of my wounds seem yet to be unreal.
It's a Earths cry with Heavens Smile...
thought it was pretty relevant. gn |
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| i |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|08:48 am] |
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i love you her so much, i dont know how to handle this, how can i change the world if i can even change us please, just one chance is all i ask for, you know i can do this, ive done it before, i know YOU know, or maybe your dont, maybe you cant see this anymore, maybe you cant see the love we had or could have again, the life that could be beyond this world, maybe thats why it hurts me so bad, because i can feel the moment i ment you i can feel a life beyone this, and i can feel a world that is ours....... |
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| this |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|03:40 am] |
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ifeel like im being emptyed into a pool of nothing trying to hide this face and this pain, but its the memories of what we once were thats destroying and eating away from the inside out, i believe im a strong person but not this strong, why me why now |
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| this morning |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|02:26 pm] |
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i slept for a hour and in that hour i dreamt that my cousins were hear waking me and asked where sam was and when is she comming, seriouly that was the worst way to wake up too reality |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|01:57 am] |
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why is it when you do something it could never be wrong and what you experience what endure its always a bad thing |
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| worst b/f ever |
[Feb. 24th, 2006|07:52 am] |
what happens when you feel like the worst person in the world......you buy sunflowers....
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| SAM |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|10:32 pm] |
so this is the first entry in a LONG time and i would just like to say A LITTLE not much but right now just a little........SAM what can i say....the love of my life, perfection.....she's beautiful beyond imagination...Extremely SMART......FUNNY......soooo creative....sooo creative, i cant even begain to explain........like seriously she has an eye for art and herself is an artist, she made me this book for V-day off all our memories, well most and seriously was like the best gift ive ever experianced, i just wanted to shed into tears when i was reading it, nothing she could of bought me could even compare to the price the book hold in my heart....i wouldnt trade if for anything ANYTHING. SHE'S such a gift, she makes want to be a better person, be the best i can be........SHE inspires me.....its like i want to be so much, give her so much......i cant even give an explanation about how much i care....since that first phone call time has flown bye, and in that time irealized so much as a person, the person who i am.......to almost losing her to just about spending every second possible.....she is an inspiration in every way possible, i cant wait for the world, and most important i cant wait for the world with her......at times i see my self pushing to be that person i want to be.....even if its biting my toung, eating my own words.....because in the end holding her in my arms and softly touching her lips...is what, at that moment stops time...and is all worth it.....that smile like no other......that look in her eyes of happiness....thats what lights up my world....she lightens up my world.....
so memories, i wish i had room for all, but i dont think the internet has enough avaliable free space.....
THAT SMILE
tonight i watched vanilla sky, and honestly one of the best movies i have ever see.......
The message...every action has a consiquence and how the little choice in life can make all the diffrence......and last but not least its always the little things that mean the world.......perhaps some things to consider throught the rest of life...........
LOVE.....so powerful...so special.........so meaningful......samantha roxa i love you.... |
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| well |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|11:42 pm] |
the worst feeling, not feeling wanted, knowing you messed up, and tearing yourself down for allowing yourself for messing up.......the best feeling in the world...being loved.........."baby do you think we argue to much?" "its wierd because we dont argue at all....." "your right, we dont" i remember fighting so much in the past and its so wierd because its non existant, its almost honestly what do we have to fight about nothing.....and its the best realization in the world.........i love her.....im going to see the world....and the best part of it, is that shes going to see it with me.
today i was sitting in class and my teacher was talking about minorities and how basically hispanics dont do well in school and how asians and whites do, sam turned around and said do you fall in that catagory and it was like every other noise around me became a blure and i could only hear her voice, i know she was joking, but it just made me realize, i dont want to be a minorty, i can DO anything, i know i can, if its getting a A in my psyc class or idk anything......dammit now what do i want to do........so many ideas.
i really hope one day she can really be herself around me, i mean it would mean so much to me, so much, i dont judge, i love her for who she is, i wish i could make her see and and understand that she dosent have to worry about showing me, and im standing here with open arm, wide open arms,
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| GOD |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|01:58 pm] |
getting lost in the music
My Heart Is A Soldier
I fight to make you stronger, to make you love your life.
I fight to show you purpose, to keep you satisfied.
I fight to make you happy. I war to win your heart.
I'd fight forever for you. I ache when we're apart.
I'm fighting for us. My heart is a soldier.
I'm killing myself. My heart is a soldier marching to die.
I fight to stay together, to bring us eye to eye.
I fight to speak your language, to keep you by my side.
I fight to make it easy. I push to give you time.
I fight our losing battle. I bleed to stay alive.
I'm fighting for us. My heart is a soldier.
I'm killing myself. My heart is a soldier marching to die.
Am I twisting everything?
It's hard to tell when all I see is temporarily between the way it should and shouldn't be.
I'm fighting for us. My heart is a soldier.
I'm killing myself. My heart is a soldier marching to die.
My heart's a soldier. My heart's a soldier.
I fall like a fighter when you give me a shot. I'll live like a lover when you're all that I've got.
I'm fighting for us. My heart is a soldier.
I'm killing myself. My heart is a soldier marching to die.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Shotgun Serenade
I know you're dying to tell me everything that you want to say, but I'm not listening.
Try to tell me everything that you want to say.
I know you're trying to force me. Feed me lies but I'm on my way. Can you taste it now?
I'm dying to watch your face when I walk away.
Here's the final bullet to put our love to death. Our days are never coming back.
I know it's you. I can forget. Bang, bang. Shoot, shoot.
There's a freight train coming to force your head in check. Our love is never coming back.
I know it's you. I can forget our love forever ending.
I know you're dying to tell me everything that you want to say, but I'm not listening.
Trying to tell me everything will be okay. Well be okay.
You're trying to warm my heart but you freeze my blood. There's ice inside my veins.
I'm only dying to watch your face when I turn away, and Ill turn away.
But you cannot separate the two things I would live or die for.
I'd kill to separate your heart from your head. That's to die for.
Here's the final bullet to put our love to death. Our days are never coming back.
I know it's you. I can forget. Bang, bang. Shoot, shoot.
There's a freight train coming to force your head in check. Our love is never coming back.
I know it's you. I can forget our love forever ending.
You're just a waste of a song. You're a simple regret.
I thought I knew who you were, but watch how fast I forget.
You wore your prettiest dress, but there's a mess in your head.
They say old habits die hard. I say they're better off dead,
cause you were bitter and cold, but still you burned me alive.
You held the match to my skin and poured the fuel on the fire.
You're not my favorite mistake. You're just a simple regret.
I though I knew who you were, but watch how fast and watch how well I forget.
It's too late to play the good guy. It's too late to play the good guy now.
It's too late to play the good guy. Goodbye.
Here's the final bullet to put our love to death.
Our days are never coming back.
I know it's you that can't forget. Bang, bang. Shoot, shoot.
There's a freight train coming to force your head in check.
Our love is never coming back.
I know it's you. I can forget our love forever ending.
There's a freight train coming to force your head in check. Our love is never coming back. |
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| talking about |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|01:48 pm] |
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soo much to say so much feeling.....god....i wish i could just say eveything........to be continued |
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| and the soundtrack to my life goes on |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|10:41 pm] |
okay so this is the "real" first entry to my live in the last who knows how many months its been, dang i remember when i use to write everything in here, damm i smell like asian not that thats a bad thing but you know well, damm so many things are going through my head sooo many like i dont even understand how i stop thinking about them or pretend they dont exist, for the last three years my life has been stuck in motion, dont really know why, but im trying to get out idk why but right now i think i have the most motavtion ive ever had, its like im in this slump and cant really excape it, like when john was talking about him and josh moving in togather or getting a place i thought, damm i think i really need that, i think i need to get out of this atmospher, like i need to be on my own, and it would start making me realize that im need to start doing things for myself, i think once i feel like i have something then i'll have alot to feel more confident about, like i need to go with something and stick to it....how many times am i going to say im sick of this routine and continue doing it, seriously.....next..ive been told i invest too much into one thing and let all the good around me slip away, or told that im seen not as a higher but just loooked up to in some aspects its just i try to pervent something so badly its just feels like my life story, like theres so much i should be worrying about but im only worrying about one thing.
so the moral of the story. no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you believe, it means absoulutly nothing unless its seen and given the same way. i guess no matter how hard you try to prevent something from happeing its always going to. so many points always beinging brought up, when will the listening take hold............phone ringing.......and the phone call destroys it all.... |
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| soo....... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|02:01 am] |
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i started the first of the year by asking sam to be with me............: ) did i mention i love this girl : ) |
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| 7 |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|12:29 am] |
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days left till my birthday...yay 20......did i mention yay... |
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| sigh....... |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|11:22 pm] |
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idk to think im so excited and feel so good about something, only to realize i really have nothing....like its so true its not about what i want, its never been about what i want......im so use to giving all......and not asking for any in return.....i dont think ive ever expected anything...ever.....and i dont know why...is it because i dont think of myself deserving anything....sometimes i get so discouraged inside i have no idea what im doing.......i had everything planned out in my mind about last sat...everything seemed so perfect....but really....is it.......am a happy........i want to think i am by falsifying whats really going.....thinking that i have something with someone thats so amazing so electrifying that it can not compare to anyother feeling in this world.......but do i really have this......i think i only hold the idea of it cause im being held back from really letting go.......what do we all search for in life....i think its diffrent for everyone but we all have one thing in commen, we are all searching for SOMETHING........but that something......we all know what that something is.....how do you know when you have it.....do you really know...or is it just FAITH.....i guess we all thrive off it.....something we all cant live without...because when you really think about it......if we didnt have faith in anything THEN WHAT ARE WE REALLY DOING ANYTHING FOR......some have faith in god...some have faith in their jobs...some faith in there frriends....faith in thier loved ones....and some just having faith in waiting for whats comming next....i dont know why i was writing this summery of as john would say blah.....but i think i realized it in the end, i remember being this person in thrieving off of faith and using it to lift myself up, using it to get me through the day..the week....the month....but maybe what i should do is start having faith in myself.......(searching for what...that smile...that smile that can light up your world and no matter how dark it is, light it up as bright as the sun lights that beautiful blue sky........) |
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| jobless |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|10:24 am] |
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so i dont have a job which has brought me to this lifeless routine of nothing.....okay well let me back up a minute i shouldnt say nothing, i mean i do get to spend time with someone that means the world to me, but im going to leave that factor out because thats one part of my life that i can say is just about breath taking...sam if you only knew.....anywayz....ive so far gotten lazy...way to lazy.....so im starting to throw the habbit, and now since today have moved on...i guess well all come to realize that were all getting older.....i want things...i want to do things.......and most of all i want to be able to do certain things for a certain someone......all this can not be obtained by sitting around and watching the dust collect on my computer screen......we all make choice's, some good, some bad...and some we are just going to have to deal with hold on moment had been interupted by that certain someone.... |
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| tummy |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|11:23 am] |
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my tummy hurts |
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| i am |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|02:22 pm] |
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seriously sick of this routine i want to change it so bad, but i just dont know how too, its like i dont have the tools that i need. god....... |
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| "so this is my life once again" pt II (by john ta) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|07:23 pm] |
In pushing ourselves to action and making ciritcal decisions, one of the biggest fears that seem to resonate is, "will these outcomes be irrevocable?"
I'm sorry to say but they kind of are. Once the final vote is in, there's no getting back that moment. You can't expect to be given a multitude of choices, pick three of them and be on your merry way. Especially if these certain choices pertain to substantial matters revolving around your potential future existence. What we do know however, is that everything in life is as permanent as we want it to be? It takes guts, strength, the will, and a plan to create and initiate a dream and the same efforts to dis-create it, that is de-structuralize it, break it down, bring it back to its original seed of conception. All this requires a passion to create or passion to destroy. There will always be the same home, the same family, the same little room that helped spawn those great dreams of passion that led to that monumental decision "fork in the road." As long as you prevent life from superceding your ability to dream, you will always have a place to go back to and recreate, reconstruct, and restart. I cannot promise everything will be neatly in it's place, just the way you left it upon your return, because much will have changed. The most relevant coming cognitively prescribed through your own perceptions. More clearly stated, you will be the biggest change and that's the exciting part.
Compare your old memories to your ones newly created while you were away. The difference of the two equate the distance of life traveled, evidence that you've experienced life uninhibited. Lifes a monster and hippocritical and a bunch of other shit untouched by Webster, but it works best that way.
"Trials, tribulations, and afflictions are necessary. Misery is optional." -Rory's Mom
(this is what john wrote in response to my last journal posting.....it really left me in "AW" |
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sphen's journal